This is an ENCOURAGEMENT of HOPE and HEALING of all those who may be a similar situation as me. It’s TRANSPARENT because that’s where true authenticity and healing comes. Owning our lives as is without making excuses and pointing fingers but embracing it all. It’s public because as I continue to work as a Life Wholeness Coach and Strategist, my clients need to understand my certification is not just a piece of paper but my skills are tried and true through the life experiences which makes me even more qualified. It’s the letter and the heart.
I hear great things about me to me repeatedly. The truth is we all have crosses to carry and there is a story behind the glory so to speak….. I didn’t get on my own accord. Life and others, helped in both positive and negative ways.
So….. Here goes.
Days like Mothers Day, Fathers Day major holidays come with several layers of emotions. While I’m celebrating with most everyone and will be responsible to acknowledge and support it. The shadows that loom in and around my reality have to be dealt with honestly.
I would love to be able to take my mom out, send presents that would be appreciated, held on to beyond just special days and have fullness of life and enjoy the relationship. I would also like to lavish my adoptive mother with those same sentiments without being bombarded with idiosyncraticies of embellishments of fallacies. There’s still more growth on all ends as we navigate through our unique situations.
When relationships are NOT built, nourished, maintained by both parties all year long it’s hard to create a celebrate a special calendar day. When the truth of abuse, addiction, dysfunctions are never fully addressed it’s hard to build on broken pieces.
I grew up in the foster care system stayed there ALL MY LIFE. Age 5 to 18. I lived in several homes, I was abused by every imaginable thing, gender and experience. I was neglected, beaten, rejected and projected. (It’s mostly all in the book) Many people looked at the outside and NEVER looked deeper at the inside. They looked at the care giver’s public reputation and refused to see beyond anything more. Consequently it’s a blur and confusion why real or even close relationship really doesn’t exist.
Thanks to God I did have some good days! My primary home I learned early about God. I will always be grateful for her sending me to church, making sure education was a priority, respect, moral and modesty. Because if it had not been for those years of training and her sacrifice of service to me, I would not have gotten those foundational fundamentals.
Thanks to my biological mother who struggled all her life and still today the battle rages. I’m grateful because she could have aborted me, (especially learning later in life) how she became pregnant. The torrents of her pregnancy and birth to me caused the spiral downward slope of losing all her goals and dreams. She nicknamed me her “first pain” I understand and honor her for my life because in her giving me life, the secrets and emotional scarring was too much so she essential lost hers in various substances.
I’m thankful for the slew of god-mama’s surrogates, spiritual moms that stepped in at pivotal guiding moments in my journey.
I’m mostly thankful that GOD KEPT MY MIND and now I am able to love, mentor and mother others without residue.
However, my original point. I wish so badly I was able to experience a true binding and bonding of mother and daughter. It’s seems so nice and special as I witness others talk about their mothers. Reminisce on days of old, special girl moments etc… Cry deeply because they have departed.
I don’t have those memories, mine are very different indeed.
I stopped crying a long time ago, about 3 years ago the ache went away, today I embrace my reality and anticipate my the day and the hope of becoming a mother myself. I enjoy all the different types of mother figures in my life. They come in all backgrounds, colors, historical insight. And with their support and love I’ve become pretty whole.
In about a month I’ll be getting married. Essential this will be ANOTHER motherless “significant” moment. See what I mean, I accept my life but it doesn’t eliminate the sting. I’ve asked God to restore the years through my own loins and family. I believe He will, but for now… I’ll keep the light shining and living and offering the same Hope and Healing to those traveling their journey just on a different path.
Henri Nowman says We are all Wounded Healers. I believe that!
It gets easier with time, and attention to your process of forgiveness and acceptance, unconditional love without unrealistic expectations.
Happy Mother’s Day!