TODAY WAS GREAT….I thought I was getting better… a few new days, I was doing okay. NO TEARS UNTIL I STEPPED INTO THIS PLACE…
The place of knowing, no matter what she was, did, said, didn’t do right, tried, succeeded, failed or just didn’t care at the moment. She’s gone. She died and left me here alone.
I just want her to return for a little while so we could chat. Still yet for her to give me some advice, a lot going on in my life right now and I feel like I’m about to explode. I could trust her. She knew me, even when we were at odds we were joined with an unbreakable bond. She would call and say, “my spirit is troubled, I know my child, what’s going on” true enough I would be going through something.
Today, The Lord reminded me that I got four more years. When she was first diagnosed with cancer a few years back we thought that was it. We prayed, fasted, had vigils etc…. She pulled through. This time, she prepared us slowly, it wouldn’t be long and it was almost over for her. I heard her, I too felt it but still I wanted it not to be so. So I dismissed the days thinking we would have many more to come.
Needless to say, they came and went, within a span of a few weeks and then she was gone. It wasn’t the cancer that took her it was her failing lungs. I watched my mother lie in that bed for a month on support, finally we all said enough because we knew it was done. It was a peace in her departure, it was a sweetness in how she exited. It was expected, we knew, I counted down to her last breath. We looked to the known end but did not prepare for the new beginning.
So tonight I find myself here. In a puddle of tears, face swollen, head pounding, heart aching, staring at walls, blocking out everyone around and all but one call. I’m listening to her voice messages over and over and over and over and over. I can’t get enough of her voice, the times she fussed at me, laughed, made a joke, shared her pain and struggle. If only she could return just once again so we could end it again. However, this time she left me with a book of instructions on how to carry on.
I don’t know how to do it right now, I’m fluctuated in every stage of grief. Nothing is constant, no one can fill the hole in my heart, my siblings are the closest things I have to her and yet they are not enough to sooth the pain and void.
She left me MOTHERless. She left ME, motherless. She left me feeling so hopeless because in my dependency she could fill that space of knowing she was mother and no one could take her place.